The Shifting State of Motherhood

My entire life when posed with the question “do you want kids?” my answer without hesitation was no. Then, suddenly I caught myself looking at the baby section in Target. There was a mirror, and I saw myself standing there surrounded by baby products. Then it suddenly hit me, I can be a mom.

Most of my life I never really thought I’d have the courage to come out, so I always viewed myself as having to be a dad. Suddenly, that reality had shifted. I don’t have to be a dad, I can be a mom if I want. The idea of being a mother began to excite me. I wanted to make sure I just didn’t have some weird “baby fever” though, so I sat on the feelings to see if they were real.

A few months pass and I’ve solidified the feelings surrounding motherhood are definitely valid and real. I begin researching the cost of banking sperm, begin plans to have a conversation with my endocrinologist and change my dating profiles to “wants kids.”

I meet with my endocrinologist and an androgens expert to discuss what it would take to get me to produce enough viable sperm. The answer I got was it would take me at least 4 months off hormones to get viable sperm. The other complication is my bottom surgery date is only 8 months away giving us a narrow window for collection even if I decided to go off hormones. I made the decision then, that going off hormones would be too big of a risk to pursue banking sperm.

I was asked multiple times “why wasn’t this discussed with you before you went on hormones?” I kept repeating, “I was informed, at the time I hadn’t realized the possibility of being a mother. No therapy could have helped me achieve that realization. It was complete happenstance. Sometimes shit just happens.”

Since this news I’ve gone through many shifting feelings. The main feeling I’ve been struggling to overcome is being an infertile woman. I already have dysphoria over the phantom uterus I can feel inside me being unusable. Sometimes the pain is so much I just cry while holding my lower abdomen. I know I’ll learn to cope over time. Just like I have with everything else…