My Trans Journey

Updated: 01/27/2025

Like all people, we each have our own unique stories to tell. This is my trans journey…

I make the joke that my egg hatched when I was born. There are plenty of pictures of me up until I was about five years old (1996) playing in dresses, heels and with makeup. Five years old also happened to be the point when things went from "this kid is cute" to "this kid is weird." I started being told that I wasn't allowed to do the fun things I loved anymore and that I needed to act more like a boy.

I didn't really understand what that meant. Punishments were slowly escalated whenever I was found trying slip back into being more feminine. I was pushed to socialize more with boys, which I hated. I missed hanging out with all my girl cousins and friends. Out of fear of punishment I began trying to socialize as a boy and fit in. I never really got along with them, but eventually it became a mask that was well fitted.

When I was 7 (1998) I was pushed into more masculine roles. Part of my family had a farm that I did "chores" on and helped with often. I was taught how to raise and euthanize beef, milk cows, raise chickens, grow produce, work on tractors and till the field. You know, chores.

Fast forward a few years till I'm 9 (2000) years old. My parents had finally divorced. My dad didn't want to but had a history of substance abuse issues and my mom didn't give him a choice. She made him a deal. That if he could take care of me, then maybe they could get back together. I became the bartering chip of a failed marriage. I was considered "the easy kid" out of me and my younger sisters. So, off I went to live with my dad…

My dad was a recovering meth and alcohol addict. During that time we lived at my grandparents house who were never around. My grandma worked in LA and my grandpa drove freight across the country, so both of them would be gone for a couple/few months at a time. For the first month my dad was around-ish, sometimes I wouldn't see him for a few days. He had to "work" a lot, so I took care of most things around the house. He couldn't afford a babysitter and couldn't convince my mom to help watch me during weekdays as I was "his responsibility", so my dad would take me to group rehab with him. There was a trans girl there who had explained her story and that's when I finally learned the name for what I had been feeling all along. However, it also showed me where I could end up if I wasn't careful with coming out. Only a few sessions after that and my dad had disappeared. He would randomly show up about every 2 weeks to crash at home, and then would be gone. I used the lack of adult supervision to spend time at the library looking up more things on being transgender. I finally learned who and what I was, but I also learned about all the negatives as well. I had made the decision then not to come out until I was able to be on my own. After a couple weeks I had run out of food at home and had to start eating other kids left overs at school. Then, eventually, from the garbage at school. I tried telling every adult I could, but none listened. Eventually one of my mom's boyfriends came to pick me up to take me to a birthday party and saw the way I was living. He refused to take my back to my dad's and told my mom that I needed to move in with her.

After moving in with my mom, things are kinda of blurry. I remember just being slightly more comfy because I was around my mom and sisters again, but not enough to come out. Not long after I moved into my mom's apartment we moved into a house my grandpa owned. My mom's boyfriend's kids would come over every other week and I loved it because two of them were girls closer to my age. We would hang out and I would get a sense of that feeling I used to have. About a year passed and then Prop 8 became a hot button issue. Prop 8 was a ballot measure in California to ban same-sex marriage that passed in 2008, but was overturned. My family and my friends all had "Yes on Prop 8" signs in their front yards and were saying disgusting things about people like me. I knew then that I would never be able to come out as long as I lived there. Unfortunately, it also caused me to resent myself.

By this time I had began growing out my hair. I was already becoming a little metal head, but secretly I was doing it to affirm myself. While I was in high school I slipped discs in my lower back. I had my first back surgery at 16 which caused a whole other series of issues that made transitioning feel near impossible. Over the years I would get dressed in secret with clothes I got at Goodwill and makeup I stole from my mom. At one point my room got raided while I was away and my mom found everything. She never talked to me about it and just pretended nothing happened. That's when I knew that's how she preferred it. Hidden and unspoken…

This was how things were until I eventually got enough money to leave home in my early twenties. I was disappointed I didn't have the courage to come out yet. So, I made a promise to myself that I would come out no matter what when I was thirty. I moved in with my girlfriend at the time and began working toward my Computer Science degree at the local JC. During this time I kept myself mainly distracted with school, work and socializing. Hard to have feelings if you're busy right? I'm an idiot. Five years later (2019) I'm graduating with my B.S. in Computer Science and finally moving out of my hometown.

I moved to Sacramento for work right when the COVID-19 Pandemic was starting. Everything went into lockdown and got, well, weird. I had hurt my back in Summer 2020 which required me to get surgery in Summer 2021. When I woke up, I was no longer in pain but had lost feeling in most of my right foot and calf. I became more depressed because the body I already hated was falling apart further. My 30th birthday had come and gone, and I had remembered the promise I made to myself. I was scared, but I was even more fearful of the alternative that I had failed twice already…so the day before Thanksgiving I came out to my ex T.

T was a bit shocked to say the least. She wasn't exactly sure what to do. To be honest neither of us were. I had already prepared myself for if she had wanted to split up. I just wanted things to stay good, so that I could at least hopefully keep a friend. I did my best to be patient and give her space to explore her feelings for a few weeks. She made her decision to stay with me and we worked to get to know each other in new ways. Unfortunately, not everyone made the same effort she did.

After I came out to T, I had immediately made an appointment for me to see my doctor. Within about a month (Oct. 2021) I had finally met my Endocrinologist and got my first estrogen pills. After being on estrogen for about a month (Dec. 2021) a lot of my depression and anxiety had reduced significantly. I was finally starting to feel that sense of completeness I had been longing for and decided to come out to my mom and sisters. I had sent them a group coming out text that I had actually gotten some positive responses from. There was still confusion, but everyone seemed open. Over time feelings seemed to shift. My niece was born and within a few days my sister, Thing 1, had sent me a text that I had been dreading since coming out. She had let me know that unless I closeted myself, I would not be seeing my niece and that she no longer wanted me in her life. That me being trans and gay around my niece would cause damage to the "family values" they want to retain in their home. She continued to say that she didn't agree with my "lifestyle."

I was completely heartbroken. I called my mom crying not understanding what is happening. My mom's first words were, "I knew this was going to start happening when you started taking that shit. You're overreacting." Another stab to the heart. I began spiraling and started accusing my other sister, Thing 2, of hating me as well. Thing 2 and I argued for a while, but eventually made up after she made me understand she didn't share the same feelings.

When this happened it also sent me into a deep depression that I'm still fighting my way through. My anxiety also went back up. The fear of being rejected for who I am has come back, and it has been hard to shake. Dealing with sudo-abandonment before, my mom and sister's actions made this new form of abandonment feel much worse. I had taken a week off work through a program the company provides for emergency leave. This required me to state the reason why I needed this leave though, so I was forced to come out at work. Which became a whole new set of stressful situations I had to face sooner than I had wanted.

A few months passed and I traveled down for Mother's Day (2022). I met my mom for the first time as myself and it actually went well. It gave me a lot of hope. My mom started making trips up to Sacramento for us to hangout and started bringing Thing 2 as well. The last time they were here for my birthday (Nov. 2022) I had asked my mom if she would be a part of my wedding with T. She reluctantly agreed after about 15 minutes of arguing. Her ultimate reservation being she felt us getting married was Satanic and didn't agree with it. We tried to enjoy the rest of the day, but my mom kept making off comments about me before I came out. I traveled back to my hometown the week before Christmas to visit and celebrate my mom's birthday. I met again with my mom and Thing 2 for dinner. It went well and we did light shopping afterward. I was still not welcome over for Christmas though…

I was frustrated. My dad's side of the family invited me for Christmas, so I went. It was honestly a great time. They really try and it's all I can ask for. Mother's Day (May 2023) began rolling around and I hadn't heard from my mom or Thing 2. I sent my mom some flowers and a text wishing her a happy Mother's Day, but never heard back. I haven't heard anything from Thing 2 except minimal small talk that just makes it feel more like obligation than care.

As of October 2023, I've broken up with my ex-fiancé, moved into a new home and bought a car. After some therapy I realized I was looking for a different kind of relationship that includes being with another trans woman, or someone who can just understand me better.

In Dec 2023 I met my mom and Thing 2 again for my mom's bday. It went okay. Thing 2 invited me to a gamer bar that opened in my hometown, so we went to have some personal time. Unfortunately, my sister got to witness transphobia firsthand at the bar and we left quickly. She still tries to make excuses for the terrible decision Thing 1 made, but she'll understand in her own time that there are no excuses for hate and bigotry.

By June of 2024 most dynamics hadn't changed much. I was making sure everything was ready for bottom surgery so that my care team and myself would have an easier time. Otherwise, I had been focused on running CyberSec916 (DC916) and socializing. A nice change from being the shut-in who was always too anxious to make new friends. Amazing what happens when you're more comfy being you.

My bottom surgery date was 10/09/24 and I'm so excited! Decades of pain and suffering are gone. I'm so happy to be one step closer to being myself. Recovery went smoothly mainly due to my prep and amazing care team. I couldn't have do it with all the support I had behind me. I'm forever grateful.

Now it's the end of January 2025…

A new president in the U.S. has been elected and promises to rid our country of transgender people. Every day new Executive Orders or laws or being generated to outlaw me as a person and reduce access to care. I can see the scales of justice at work, but I honestly think they'll crumble under the weight of fascism within the next four years.

Due to these changes, I'm moving up my timeline and reducing my needs regarding facial feminization surgery. The surgeon I want is out-of-network and would cost me at least $100k in total. I'm going with my back-up option who's still very good and in network. However, based on feedback I've received and read regarding my back-up choice I'll need to advocate extra for a more aggressive approach to facial feminization compared to my first choice.

Thankfully I don't have to go on this journey alone. I know my gf and chosen family will be there for me when the time comes. Also, now with the experience of prepping for bottom surgery, I feel trans surgery #2 will be a much smoother process.

Another piece of the puzzle is the possibility of needing to leave the country. I made sure to get my passport before the new administration stepped in. My gf and I are looking at a few different locations we feel could thrive in.

As much as it hurts to lose the people I had in my life before and deal with the onslaught of worldly pressures, I've also met some amazing new people that I'm more than happy to include as my chosen family and love myself so much more. I've made much more deep meaningful connections with some truly amazing people and myself. I'm more comfy being me in my day-to-day which has given me a huge confidence boost that others have noticed. I love my life and wouldn't change a thing.

This is trans joy.

As the journey continues…