Gender Envy

I remember being closeted seeing girls and thinking, “she’s so lucky she gets to wear that.” I would see confident women and feel I would never be able to achieve that confidence because I was too scared to be open as myself. I started to find other trans women who I felt were inspirational whether it be because of how they interact with others, their skillset or their viewpoints and followed them on social media. Every time I’d see these inspirational trans women I’d say to myself, “if I just came out I could be like them.”

After coming out I found myself still comparing myself to the other trans girls I was seeing. The feelings of “she’s lucky she gets to wear that” and “one day I’ll be as confident as her” were still there. I was getting frustrated I was still having these feelings and found myself excusing these things with comments like “well it’s because she’s pretty.” I began attributing other trans women’s success based on their looks and I felt gross about myself. How could I fall into this trap? I myself was putting in the same work all these other trans women were and truly wasn’t appreciating their efforts and instead letting jealousy other myself from them. After this realization I turned my attention closer to my own transition and who Kali is.

Now I find myself on the other side of the same jealous feelings. All my hard work boiled down to simply having “Pretty Privilege.” That people couldn’t possibly like me for me, that they only follow or are friends with me because of my looks. It’s a terrible feeling being told you’re nothing you’ve worked for, that it’s all fake in some way. I know none of it is true, but it hurts to hear from another trans person regardless. Even though I’ve been seen as having “Pretty Privilege” I definitely don’t feel it. I’m still misgendered, judged and called names like any other trans woman who isn’t stealth. My bottom dysphoria is still intense and ruins things that should be enjoyable for me. I struggle with maintaining my vision of Kali and not letting that be warped by the pictures I see of other trans women I feel are prettier than I am. Depression is a familiar friend who visits weekly. I’m still that trans girl who also handed out “Pretty Privilege” as an excuse to make herself feel better.

Gender envy will eat you alive if you let it. The point of transitioning is to be “you.”