Trust the Physician

Over my lifetime I’ve been very grateful for the connections I’ve been able to make and the profound relationships I’ve had with others. There’s always this underlying hum though. A hum that never quite goes away like when you have tinnitus. This frequency deep within I’ve never been able to escape or release. The feelings of loneliness always living within.

Many people don’t think of loneliness as the slow quiet killer it is. We all get lonely sometimes. However, true loneliness can have deadly consequences. Large medical establishments like The United States Health & Human Service Dept, UC Health, World Health Organization and National Institute of Health have all agreed that loneliness is an epidemic. In the United Kingdom, loneliness is recognized as such a large issue the government created the Minister of Lonliness. Their job is to tackle the different social impacts causing loneliness and create social networks to help UK citizens find community.

I’ve learned that there are varying degrees of loneliness and if they compound it becomes harder to shake. I was taught loneliness pretty early on. I grew up mostly out in the country away from any kind of family or friends. My sisters usually only wanted to play with each other, so I would go find something to do on my own or with one of the family dogs. Even at school I found it hard to connect to others, we just didn’t communicate the same. I became somewhat lonely and was happy to have the couple friends I did.

Eventually, my parents divorced when I was about 9. I’m made to split from my sisters and mom to live with my dad. My dad lived with my grandparents also out in the country. However, my grandparents were never home since they worked in distant places. It was just my dad and I the few times he stayed at my grandparents place as well. Majority of the year, I was 9 years old living on my own. My dad was an addict, and would be gone for weeks at a time before I’d see him again. Eventually, I ran low on food and resorted to stealing food from the garbage at school. I tried to tell every adult I could what was happening but no one listened. The loneliness I thought I knew had sunk much deeper. Not only was a I alone but I had lost my trust in everyone around me. This caused myself to receed deep within and add yet another layer of unintentional loneliness. The only reason I escaped that environment was my mom’s boyfriend saw the state I was living in and refused to take me back to my dad’s.

I move back with my mom and sisters but my mom makes sure to consistently other me. At the time, I was the only boy and my mom seemed to hold a grudge against my dad that could only be funneled through me. I hid in my room when I could to avoid conflict. If it wasn’t me messing up a chore or homework it was getting yelled at reminding my mom in some way about my dad. The loneliness grew further.

About the time I enter highschool I get my first computer. MySpace has just become super popular and Runescape is all the rage in the highschool cyberverse. I begin finding my own community through online games and message boards. People who ask me how I am and how my day was. A thread of hope.

Sophmore year of Highschool I damage my back with 2 slipped discs at L3 & L2. I’m pulled from most classes because I can’t sit in the hard plastic chairs for extended periods. I’m regularly out of school for doctors appointments and never allowed to see my friends. I’m also put on opiates for pain management which pushed me into depression and sinking my lonliness further. Lying in bed most of my Sophmore year online in the late night looking for anyone I can talk to or play with so that I can be distracted by the nerve pain;

My Junior year of Highschool I’m removed from my school and placed in a public county charter school to better meet the needs of my back. No more physical friends. I turn in my homework to my teacher and leave with each visit. I’m enrolled at my local JC for science classes, but how does a teen make friends with adults? Isolated once again, the loneliness sinks deeper. At least I have my online friends.

By this time time I graduated Highschool and continued strictly at the JC I had given up connecting to others. Unless I had met you at work or as part of a class project I didn’t connect with you. My online friends had slowly all fallen off shortly after highscool and I found myself without friends. At this point I had become used to the feeling of loneliness.

Through work, I find a girlfriend and a small group of friends. The feelining of lonliness is built into my foundation though and I still can’t help but feel I’m still not finding the connection I desire. I begin to realize it’s because I’m missing a critical piece I hadn’t told anyone about yet. The true feminine friendship and energy within I desired. I had no one to talk about these feelings with. Based on my environment at the time, I sink further within myself.

I graduate college and get a new job. I’m working 13-14 hour days. I hardly see my girlfriend and when I do she’s not happy with me due to the stressful living environment. I’m not sure how to make things better and doing the best I can. I begin to feel alone in our pursuit to escape our hometown. Loneliness begins to creep into my home.

I move to a new city hours away right before the pandemic hit. Once it did, my family became divided over COVID-19 conspiracies. My mom joins the MAGA crowd and my sisters’ follow. My girlfriend begins to resent me further as I struggle to keep everything afloat through the pandemic. Loneliness is a core part of my being now.

A second back surgery. I’m left by myself in the back room most of the time as my girlfriend seemingly wants nothing to do with me. We’re both struggling and just wish I could do more. The loneliness is seemingly hitting a maximum;

A few months after surgery and I come out as transgender to my girlfriend, friends and family. I retain my girlfriend and some friends. The first loneliness counter-balance takes place. I no longer feel isolated or estranged from myself and who I am. Having a stronger relationship with myself is the first step to combating my version of loneliness. The Physicin within has found the first elixir.

Year after year I’m invited to less family gatherings. My mom and one of my sisters have become combative toward my transition. However, since coming out I have found deep meaningful connections with other people like me. Another elxir against the affliction of loneliness, community.

Still today I cry on holidays. I haven’t been able to remove the infection that is loneliness quite yet. It has gotten easier though. With time the Physician within and I will find more ways to fight my version of loneliness. I’m sure of it.

Trust the Physician.